Day 2: Strong Women Are Afraid

I woke up late at 5:45 – I was actually up at 3 but that’s a bit early and it was Nugget the cat wanting out! Damn 2 cats are as demanding as the 6 dogs! Amber calls her chicken Nugget and I call her gold Nugget – my black gold Nugget! She showed up last year when Amber told me she was getting a burger at Wendy’s and I was yelling at her about us being on time to a baby shower and why was she was getting a burger in a whole different town 30 minutes away?! After the shower she said Mom I lied, I was really getting Ernie a new girlfriend as Ernie’s brother Bert mysteriously disappeared one day. 🙁 Ok but no more damn animals! I do like the fact that I no longer find kangaroo mice in my 5 gallon dog watering bucket though. But we can’t save them all Amber!

I’m really not sure why Amber calls her Nugget but she has repeatedly showed me the video called “If you like chicken nuggets” by comedian Cristian Oliveras and ya ok – that’s funny shit! I suggest only those with a really good sense of humor google that one! My kid does have a quirky sense of humor – love it!

Nugget is pretty and little and likes to lay in my stack tray when I’m in the office. She also likes to use my jacuzzi tub as a litter box when left inside. I jumped when I heard her get down off my bed at 3 and threw that little bitch out! I’m tired of cleaning up unnecessary shit in my life – ain’t that the truth! Ha! Take your shit elsewhere!

Black Gold Nugget sleeping in my stack tray. My Grandfather made me the wooden cat box behind him.

As I hit the button on my coffee pot this morning I said to myself its Day 2 – what the heck are you going to write about today? For a brief moment fear crept over me – shit I don’t know! Am I already going to fail? Ma saw it on Facebook yesterday and now the world knows – tell Facebook tell the world! And Ma knowing is just the same!

My 50th birthday party with Ma, me, Pa and Lorna.

Ma became my Mom when I ran away from home in 10th grade. I walked 7 miles that day to the high school and called my friend Lorna. She didn’t tell her Mom that I just ran away – just a friend coming over for the night and I was picked up within 30 minutes.

Lunch with Pa this summer with the top down in his convertible!

After about 2 weeks I was still at their house and one night after dinner Ma and Pa asked what was going on. They are awesome parents and listened to my brief history as it’s not something you really want to go telling the world. Ma said you never have to leave. You can stay until you graduate. And I became their unofficial foster child, their Star Border!

Lorna and me in high school 1983.

There’s an ad on the radio here advertising for people to become foster parents and one of the parents kids says something along the line of “having foster siblings is better than friends coming over – they never have to go home”! Oh I had a fabulous time the rest of my high school years with my girlfriend Lorna! The stuff she taught me from hair and makeup to clothes and boys!

I was home coming queen my senior year and my girlfriend Janet walked me!

I was more thrilled about being voted class clown!

So as I laid my blanket out on the floor in the dark living room I looked for the moon. I looked towards the energy and said “OK what’s my path today? What am I supposed to write about? What am I supposed to say? Two of the dogs decided they wanted to show me some love and played “she loves me most” fighting to get their heads under my neck, growling and whimpering to me, and tried to topple me over leaning against me so hard to hug me – Yes I love you too now go lay down! It’s not like my pack don’t all get enough attention every day!

The clouds had dissipated a bit and the moon now looked like it had a white ring wrapped around it slowing moving up it. It reminded me of staring at the moon when I was a kid working on the farm when I was young – ever changing but ever constant. The moon lit the darkness when I was doing early morning chores, milking cows, feeding pigs and chickens. I was afraid of the dark for good reasons as we had had peeping toms and prowlers. I listened when I was out in the dark doing chores and had my dog with me. I liked when it was a bright moon as I wasn’t so afraid. I was reminded of the part of the poem I wrote yesterday, “Strong women are afraid”.

And with that I stood up and thought ok it’s time to write. I thought to myself my life is ever changing like the moon. But I’m learning that some things are ever constant like it as well. Like Ma, Pa and Lorna, all my biggest cheerleaders in life. And my faithful, loyal, brave dogs. I frequently leave for a week and 2 of the 6 will sit at my gate waiting for me to come home. Nice! It’s a race against the truck to the front porch. Buddy is usually with me and that’s even more exciting since he’s the head pack dog. Ya I know he’s the size of their head but I’m not the one who picks who’s in charge! And between the welcoming whimpering to me and butt sniffing to him it’s a joyous reunion always! Maybe it’s my leftovers, maybe it’s all the dog treats, no matter what their loyalty is overwhelming!

And what I get from them is the part about being brave. Oh wow have they been my protectors! I live on a big chunk of land with trees where some would consider the middle of nowhere! There’s crazy people everywhere and a few times my dogs have alereted me to a prowler. One night my dogs had barked outside my house ferociously all night long. I had them all outside except Buddy to make sure the prowler didn’t get any closer. Buddy isn’t really a guard dog but rather an alert system. It was scary shit – dumb ass! When I saw him out my bedroom window in the morning I grabbed my gun and called 911 as I headed to the front door! What do you mean it will take you 20 minutes to get here??!!?? You better hurry or I’ll shoot the fucker I yelled into the phone out on my porch as I saw this guy going thru a truck. The sheriff said get back into your house. No Way I’m not going to put a bullet thru my house – I’ll stand outside and get a clear shot! The man saw my gun and me yelling at him and the sheriff and hasn’t been back.

OMG I’m just a girl who wants to live freely in my life – that I pray. I don’t want to live in fear. I don’t want to fear that some creep is going to wake me up in the middle of the night, touching my bare ass, wearing a hooded sweatshirt! Another nightmare I lived thru when Amber was 2. I was sleeping in bed with my husband when I was woken up by someone touching me. I thought someone needed me and asked who he was. He shrunk back away and darted out the bedroom door. I jumped off the end of the bed and chased him down the hall and out the door. My ex had slept thru it and didn’t know what to think. The cops came and found nothing. I got a dog at the pound the next day.

His mom was watching Oprah that week and saw that sometimes people dream so vivid they think it’s real. Talk about fear in my life, I felt like I had been sexually assaulted and those most important to me thought I was a nut case! And then I found out the police report said they didn’t believe me.

It took me about a week of talking to the neighbors to figure out who it was – a creepy 18 year old I call the Coop kid. He was just out of juvenile for the same type of thing. The cops didn’t know he had been released on parole. My friend Kim, who did believe me and sat at the door to my bathroom so I could take a shower every afternoon, took me down to the cop shop. I know your police report doesn’t believe my friend but there is this kid out on parole in her neighborhood. They went to talk to him and he denied it so they put an ankle monitoring device on him.

I didn’t get a good look in the dark at this person – his hooded sweatshirt was pulled tight around his face, but I remembered he was really clean. I couldn’t identify him in a photo lineup. I was going crazy with fear. 20 days after it happened I decided one lunch hour that I was going to go get a gun the next day on my lunch hour and go knock on his door. He was going to get one chance to tell the truth, or I’d shoot the fucker and get my overwhelming fear over with.

There’s certainly times when God has stepped in and taken over. Thank you God for all you bring to me.

When I got back from my lunch hour that day my assistants eyes were on fire – I thought they had been robbed! She said you won’t guess who just called. The police said the Coop kid had confessed and had just been taken to jail. I attended the trial and got to look at him and let him hear what a nut case he had turned me into. Turns out he was albino which I had interpreted in the dark as really clean and I wondered how did he get so messed up.

He went away for 7 months. I moved to my RV in the woods for 6 months as I felt safer in a little space. I sold my home one block away from his home and moved to another town. It was 2 years before I could remove my bed from being up against the wall so no one could walk beside me at night. I went to a counselor but that only made me more scared.

I was a bank manager at the time and I was behind a locked door all day in a grocery store branch. I felt safe there. One day my neighbor asked to speak to me privately in the office so I let him in. The Coop kid had broken into their house in the middle of the night a few years ago. His daughter had seen him duck under her bed and called out to her Dad. He pulled him out from under the bed and the Coop kid did a few years in juvenile for it. He was just out on parole when he assaulted me. My neighbor told me his daughter was so distraught even though he was back in jail and thought she might commit suicide. He asked if I would talk to her and of course I did. I told her everything. She told me everything. We were both seeing counselors.

I only felt more frightened by going to the counselor so I quit going. I would like to say that I just got over it in time as life moved forward and I seldom think about it. But do you really ever get over something? You never forget but you do learn to forgive and move on. It’s obvious to me now that the burden of fear that I was handed was given to me for a special reason – the day my neighbors daughter needed me. How else can you reason thru someone else’s crap they throw at you? Right Nugget?

“Strong women are afraid. They face fear and move ahead to the future, as uncertain as it can be”. By Brenda Hager

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2 Responses to “Day 2: Strong Women Are Afraid”

  1. Lorna

    Thank you sharing your story. You’re a true survivor on so many levels. I feel blessed to be a part of your journey.i remember picking you up at the school on a had all of your worldly possessions in 1 paper grocery bag. Continue down your exciting path of life. Your BBF, Lorna xoxo

  2. Sylvia

    Thank you for this story. I am 63 and was assaaulted as a young woman. I have never gotten over it. You just keep moving (:-)