It became a joke this past couple years between a couple of my closest friends who had listened for hours about my crazy personal life, that I was the President of the Broken Pecker Pickers Club! Probably totally incorrect to post that to my blog but it’s my blog, my social media. And if I’m not embarrassed to make a statement that’s really not flattering to myself maybe it’ll help someone else.
It seems I’ve never been afraid to openly talk about my crazy world with my closest girlfriends. They’ve gotten me thru life!
Pa called me last night and it’s always good to hear his voice. He’s so wise! 🙂 He told me thanks for the Wendy’s gift certificate – it was nice I thought of him. Then he told me that he had been reading my blog but for some reason it wouldn’t open anymore. But he really wanted me to know that I should continue to write what I wanted, what I needed. God has always led me where I go and don’t be afraid where He’s leading me now he said. Other women will benefit if you tell your story.
My sister got married and I blogged about it and her new aunt posted a lovely comment to my blog which I only get once in a blue moon! But then again it’s a pretty boring blog! Anyway part of it said “why you single?” Perhaps I should have edited her comment but I don’t even know if I can. I have finally memorized my sign in name and password though! I think I got this blog thing down – sorta like making a Christmas newsletter which apparently was noted by my Great Uncle that I didn’t send one out this year with his Christmas card – was I ok? Who wants to hear in a Christmas card what a crappy year you had?!?
Ok only parts were crappy – those parts that I let be crappy because I suck at setting boundaries. Hence the President of the club! My girlfriend asked if she could be the VP – sure – so it’s a self help club now with two of us! When we mention it to women struggling with similar problems they ask if they can join! One day while watching Carpool Karaoke with James Corden and Britney Spears, I decided that “Oops I did it again” would be our perfect theme song!
If you have an odd sense of humor you will think this is funny shit! And hopefully the way we support each other with laughter and understanding and acknowledging that even us incredible women make some of the dumbest mistakes helps others!
I spent many quiet morning before the crack of dawn this last year reading about things I was feeling and learning about myself. It didn’t take long to find stories that really resonated with me.
Like the fact that people like me are often over achievers at work – you get a high off proving you’re not stupid and accomplishing your high goals. As a kid my creepy father told me how I had better rely on my brains and not my beauty to get thru life as I wouldn’t get anywhere if I had to rely on my looks. When I brought home 6 A’s and 1 B on my report card I was told how stupid I was I couldn’t get straight A’s! Big sigh. 🙁 There’s no pleasing some people but I learned to try super hard to do so.
If you’ve been reading my blog you’ve seen I’ve had to overcome a lot of fear of being alone. Now I can place the fear I feel of being alone with some pretty freaky events in my life. It doesn’t make it go away but rather just helps me find a place of understanding about my own reactions.
It was lots of reading online and a few books I found at my free book exchange up in the woods in Washington where I hid for a few months last summer. I can check out of life there and still be able to work because I have an internet connection. I spent hours thinking and writing about my past as I worked thru a book of exercises.
I spent hours on the beach when I was in Cancun listening to the waves crashing and floating in the ocean with my eyes closed. I wondered what’s next in my life. I decided to do a 30 day blog challenge as writing always seems to help me figure out my path.
I forgive myself for all of the stupid bullshit mistakes I’ve made. I know I’ll make more some time in my life. Hopefully though as I get older I can learn and grow from my crazy life and not make as many! We’re never too old to learn. That’s why older people are so full of wisdom – like Pa!
Putting a label on myself helped me to identify behaviors that I see within myself so I could go read about those things deeper. It does not define who I am completely nor does it mean I will always repeat certain behaviors. As I read blogs from people who seemed to go thru similar situations and articles from self help websites, certain things really rang true. As I dug deeper it talked about the root of the behaviors
All this reading in my own living room in the quiet peace was enlightening and helpful. It doesn’t mean that I can change over night. But it has helped me to figure out a better direction to go.
I was reading a website that gave 10 ways to move on from toxic things in your life. #1 said just forget and move on. Hmm I thought – that’s not a way – that’s a fairy tale! For me it’s doing the things in life that make me feel like I’m living.
I can’t wait for spring – it’ll be warmer and I can go fishing! I’m going to get myself one of those little books that shows how to tie different knots. I seem to get stuck in the weeds a lot and my habit of buying premade lines is starting to get expensive. Pretty soon I’ll want a boat…you know how bad habits start getting expensive!
Someone asked me the other day what kind of fishing did I do. I thought that was an odd question. Where I come from in the Pacific Northwest we use fishing poles or nets – the kind of nets that the big trawlers use and wondered to myself momentarily where in Arizona do they trawl…and I answered with a fishing pole. I mean do you use flies or worms – oh I use worms! Ha! I always buy extra worms because I seem to only feed the fish and feed them pretty quick! But that one blue gill I caught last summer…HE WAS THIS BIG!